The Dunk Police

Since when did Nike become a band of covert operatives? The story reads that representatives of the shoe company approached two cameramen who were taping a pick up basketball game at a summer camp and forced them to turn over the tapes. What was on this video, the hiding places of the WMD's?

The issue: LeBron James had been dunked on. Not by Kobe or Dwayne Wade or Dwight Howard. No, it was a college student. And apparently if we were to see this, our entire world would change. Armageddon would commence. We'd have to build 1950's style bomb shelters and hide underground for the rest of eternity. God forbid we see the King look human.

It was a pick up basketball game. The unspeakable event took place early on and according to the perpetrator, Xavier sophomore Jordan Crawford, "no one thought anything of it." But afterward, it was all the rage. Two videographers may or may not have actually caught this on tape. Regardless, the Nike police were having nothing of it, explaining that they had broken a rule of media access and forced them to turn over the tapes.

Confiscate the tapes? Who's running this camp, the KGB? Now I'm no legal expert here but I do believe the tapes are solely the property of the accredited reporter. No one is claiming these two men weren't allowed to be there nor were they not allowed to shoot some portions of the camp. But apparently, the taping of the pick up game was against camp policy. The important thing to remember here is that when the dunk occurred, NO ONE thought anything of it.
Apparently, It took a while for everyone to understand the gravity of that video. If this gets out, it would be LeBron's Zabruder tape.
When LeBron got dunked on, his head went back, and to the left. Back and to the left.

What do the Nike police look like? I picture them like the agents of the Matrix. We can only hope that one of the cameramen is named Mister Anderson. They are specialists, operatives who've been cross trained. They definitely have ear pieces. Their directions come from someone located in an underground lair in Eugene Oregon known as the Swoosher King. And they do it all in pristine condition original Air Jordans.

The story insinuates that James may have himself conferred with the Nike police. It may have been at his behest that the Zapruder Dunk tapes were held under lock and key. This part is somewhat unbelievable. While LeBron has carefully crafted an image, he has had plenty of moments of self-deprecation. He allowed himself to be the Bert to Kobe's Ernie in Nike's puppet ads. Amazingly, the shoe company felt those ads were less destructive to the aura of LeBron then seeing him get dunked on in a pick up game.

Nike then released a statement explaining their actions. It was straight from the school of the Iraqi interior, so illogically reasoned, it felt like a parody from an issue of the Onion. It was longer then this blog post. The general point it was trying to make was these infidels broke the media rules of the camp and therefore they had to pay a price.
Let me put this as bluntly as I can, while I have no problem if Lindsay Lohan goes Tonya Harding on a member of the papparazzi who just clicked shots of her coochie as she tried to get out of a limo, she can't legally take the guys camera and film.
So, Nike had no right to confiscate anything. They certainly had the right to take away these guys credentials and ban them from the event.

The funny part is, lets just say Nike releases this video. There is no way it will live up to what I'm imagining must have taken place. For them to hide the tape forever, this dunk must be the most memorable dunk in the history of dunking.
I can see it, Jordan Crwaford is coming up on the wing. LeBron has a decision to make, stop the ball or take a chance for a steal. He realizes he's too far under the basket to do either. He's defenseless so he lunges toward the point guard who dishes to Crawford. Crawford then leaps from the 3 point line, continuing to move his legs in a running motion while suspended in the air. The whole thing actaully happens in slow motion. Crawford then steps on LeBron's shoulders with both feet before propelling himself into a mid air summersault that ends with two full 360 cannonball rotations ripping the rim off of the backboard upon his descent. The hoop ends up twirling around LeBron's neck. The shattered glass resembles LeBron's pregame chalk clap.

The And 1 crew never dreamed of this possibility. Globetrotter fans would have passed out in delirium. You can't even call this a dunk, it needs to be classified by it's own term. The Big LeBronski. He got Donkey Konged. Something.

It's the only explanation as to why we aren't allowed to be witnesses to that.