Who Will America Root For Next?

Here's why George W Bush sucks, because he had no choice but to root against the Saints. When Katrina hit the Bayou, his advisers asked him what he planned to do about New Orleans. His response: Who Dat?
I could never quite figure out why Bush didn't frantically try to salvage New Orleans. It's like he didn't want to admit that he liked college girls who drink grain alcohol and showed their breasts. They always said Bush was the type of President "I'd want to have a beer with." Really? Name one drinking buddy who has said to you, "You know what, that New Orleans is lame."


I'm a sucker for the good story. The city that always showed me a good time thus in terms of karma, they deserved a title, a reason to throw themselves a party for once. Especially after a natural disaster threatened to ruin it forever.
Rarely does the "Team of Destiny" actually realize destiny, unless Peyton Manning is on the "Team of utter disappointment."
So while the FEMA offices and a small quadrant of Indiana rooted for the Colts, it was nice to know that this country can and will rally around a good cause.

In most cases, I like my losers to always be losers. The thought of watching the Clippers hold a victory parade is laughable because no one would show up. It would look like the OJ chase.

In most cases I like my winners to be winners. I have a distinct disdain for the sport of baseball because of the Yankees. And at the same time, their existence as a true evil makes the sport palatable. I need to hate them.

For one fall however, I rooted for the Yankees. I don't hate New York. I love New York. And when those jackholes attacked that city, I wanted to the Yankees to be a beacon of our power. There was nothing more unifying to me in 2001 then to see Yankee Stadium celebrate a World Series title. It was a sign our our resolve.

And a week ago I rooted for the Saints because I wanted those people to know that their plight wasn't forgotten. The overwhelming Saints support was endearing, it was the Y2K version of a bra burning. Here was the country, shunning the perfect pitch man Peyton for the Saints and it was for one reason and one reason only. This country never agreed with the policies that were carried out after Katrina. We embraced New Orleans in the same fashion that we embraced New York.

So who is next? The country was able to rally around the Yankees and the Saints. But they didn't give a crap about the Rays or the Cardinals. Tampa's a fun place but a tsunami didn't wipe out Gasparilla.


And nothing good or bad has ever happened in Phoenix. For a mega winner or a mega loser to get Spike Lee to wear their gear (Yes he was on the field pre-Super Bowl wearing a Saints hat and beads), there has to be something bigger going on.
With that, here are the candidates for the next team for Paris Hilton to deem "Hot."

1) The Detroit Lions..

They are astronomically bad and their city is slowly turning into a set for the remake of Mad Max. If Gran Torino is even the least bit realistic, I wouldn't show much as speed through the city of Detroit. It's sad because we INVENTED cars. Belgians still make awesome beer. Japan still has the best sushi. Why did we think the Hummer was a good idea and laugh at the idea of a Prius?

2) The Cleveland Cavaliers, assuming LeBron leaves. Once in a lifetime you get a wunderkind who ends up playing for the hometown team. I'm assuming that he is carried into practice on a golden chariot, but even so, even he one day will wake up and go, Cleveland sucks. There are two things to see in Cleveland, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and LeBron. If he leaves, I'm praying they somehow get somebody to get in his way of title after title.

3) Any team Brett Favre plays for next season. Because if he wins a Super Bowl, he will retire. His presence is about as annoying as OctoMom and Balloon Boy these days. It's so much drama for no reason at all.

4) The Portland Trail Blazers. Admit it, you know Boogie Nights was a great movie. That's going to be some kind of party when Greg Oden gets a ring.

As for the teams I can't ever imagine America rooting for:

1) The Philadelphia Eagles.

Their fans throw raw meat at nuns. They cheered when Michael Irvin suffered a career ending injury. They booed Santa Claus. Their general disposition is objectionable.

2) The LA Clippers. Why?


3) The Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, and Atlanta Thrashers. Please Gary Bettman, please contract. Please Please Please Please Please.

4) The Colorado Rockies. Over the last 3 years, they have pulled off two of the most remarkable runs in baseball history and no one cares. Spike Lee does not care. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know, I don't know what does.