Bill Belichick is Screwing With All of Us

If my football team had a 5 foot 5 inch white running back from some godforsaken college in the panhandle of Nebraska, I'd consider ending my relationship with the sport. I know what would happen if my team had a 5 foot 5 inch white running back: He'd have 3 carries for minus 2 yards and then he would spontaneously combust and for the rest of eternity every conversation about my football team would include, "Hey remember that 5 foot 5 inch white guy you had playing running back who exploded into a thousand pieces." And I'd say, "Yes I do."
But this doesn't happen to Bill Belichick. No sir. He sent a former first round pick Laurence Maroney to Denver for a bag of peanuts and replaced him with a 5 foot 5 inch white running back. And the Patriots are 5 and 1, their most recent wins are against two teams who were in the playoffs a year ago.
Well that's it. He's gone too far. Ever since Spygate cast some doubt over the validity of the most recent dynasty in the league, Belichick has gone football postal. But his manifesto has manifested itself in an entirely different psychosis. Bill Belichick is fucking with the NFL and the world for that matter. And he's so freaking good, he's winning anyway. (Note: We will discuss "The Jesus Factor" later, just know I am not ignoring the fact that a deity is his quarterback)
It became clear to me on Monday Night Football when the Patriots had scored every conceivable way in a win over the Dolphins that Belichick had just checkmated the league. Some guy named Brandon Tate returned a kickoff for a touchdown. The aforementioned tiny white guy scored a touchdown. Wang Chung blocked two kicks then returned a pick for a score. And Arrington (not LaVar, JJ, Jill or any Arrington with a Wikipedia page) returned a blocked field goal attempt for a score. Those who stuck around saw the murky veneer of Belichick finally crack. He was hugging his players, well, all of them except Randy Moss who didn't have a catch. Moss was a few hours away from being traded.
Here is what has happened since September, the Pats demanded their best offensive lineman apologize publicly to the organization for carrying on about a contract all summer before allowing him to sign a new contract. Logan Mankins hasn't played yet. Their next best offensive lineman and their best defensive lineman both suffered season ending injuries. Their most talented running back and the one player who represents a true playmaker were both traded. And the Patriots are 5 and 1.
The San Diego Chargers have statistically the best offense and defense in the NFL, and they are 2 and 5. This past week when New England played them in their stadium, New England announced this laughable starting lineup: 6 rookies, including a 7th round draft pick and 3 second year players who'd spent the majority of their first year on someone else's practice squad. They had 38 total yards at half, and a ten point lead. Even for Norv, that's a new one.
How did this all come about? One can only guess, but Belichick seemed on the cusp of a psychological split from the get go. The dude is winning games while wearing a hoodie popularized by the Emperor of the Dark Side, if the Emperor might kick it with a glass of Frangelico. Yet after winning 3 Super Bowls with a former 6th round draft pick as his quarterback, it appeared as if he'd solidified his place in history as the Lombardi of his time. Instead he's painted as an unlikable cheater. For the record, I have no issue with someone videotaping what's happening during a game and I'm still confused about exactly what the Patriots did wrong, but I'm in the minority.
From that point forward, Belichick seems to have had a split with reality. A few years back it became clear that the Patriots were going to try to break every record in the book. I attended a mid-season win over the Redskins were they were consistently going for it in the second half on fourth downs up by 30 plus points. They came about a minute away from the only 19 and 0 season.
Now, Belichick has decided to go the complete opposite direction. He's trying to win with an inept team. It's ingenious really. Best receiver? Screw it, trade him to Team Sext. Best running back? Have fun playing for a team that gives up 59 to the Raiders. Mankins? Kneel before Zod. Miniscule white running back? Gimme gimme gimme. What is everyone going to say if New England wins with this cast of characters? They are going to have say what everyone knows, no one has the game figured out better then that guy.
Now, in all fairness, if Tom Brady pulled a Mankins or a Moss or a Maroney, I think Bill might not exactly react the same way. Two days before the season opener, Brady was involved in a serious car accident. Two days later he lit up Cincinnati. So his cover was officially blown, Tom Brady is not of our species.
But Brady is like the Avatar who lets the humans control the tree. And Belichick is running a crazy tree these days.